last entry: march 2005

still waiting for exam results. really anxious.

trying hard to sleep early. still can't.

haven't checked my inbox in 2 months. 537 unread messages.

getting a new life. finally.

i want to write a sensible entry next time.

projects- complete

quizzes - taken

accounts - settled

finals - check

clearance - on the process

distribution of toga - scheduled

graduation - soon

i'm seeing you for the 3rd time in two weeks and that is something unususal. compared to last week, you were more real, we were more intimate.

you always made a ways for us to sit next to eachother so that you can grab my hand under the table and hold it as long as you want. i did not mind. (funny how your hand is softer than mine and i promised you that the next time you hold my hand, mine will be softer again).

eventually, you were so close to me. and when we were talking to eachother, our gazes meet, our faces close enough to hear the other's breathing, almost like kissing the other. only, we will both turn away teasingly as if enticing the other more. we both knew we wanted to be kissed that night. and when the time came, it was satisfying just like before.

we stayed beside eachother almost glued together. i missed that.

it was a night of trying what we were deprived of: shots of tequila, eating shrimp, partying til dawn and tasting something that was taken away from us for some time now:

each other's company.

i am supposed to have a 7:30 class today and it's 8:45. *shrug* don't know how many absences i have incurred.

i was bangag this morning, half sleeping and half awake on the couch with my hair in disarray and the television tuned to the earliest morning tv show. when i noticed somebody was outside the gate, as if scanning our house. i went out and well, surprise! surprise! you were there --- all groomed and prepared for school. before i could say a word, you left me there, half shocked, half smiling.

it took me a while to decipher that you passed by my place to hand over the thing i was borrowing from you yesterday. and before i could scream because of sheer shock and kilig, i decided to go back on the couch and sleep.

Saturday: February 12, 2005
mission: make a move

you walked beside me and you were quiet. You were pretending so hard, trying to fill in the spaces of silence. i know you're not really like that. see what missing someone can do?

i felt the tension in you, the way you kept on saying, "ok ka lng?" as if you had nothing else to say. it was funny because you acted like we weren't together for a year. When in fact you know very well the exact places to tickle me so that i would smile.

i had fun watching you trying very hard to get my hand and clasp it with yours. and i had fun making it harder for you to hold my hand. how elementary. smiles.

but i also knew you could not pretend any longer. and when my friends weren't looking, you took my hand and pretended it was an 'accident' and you held it tight, behind your back. i secretly smiled. but i pulled my hand back. i was also pretending i didn't like it.

i moved away but you followed me and i felt good. we were like two opposite poles attracted to eachother. i acted as if i didn't notice you beside until you slipped your hand and pulled me close. you embraced me amidst the pool of busy people, lovers walking hand in hand and the valentine mood filling the air. and for a while, i knew our worlds stopped like we wanted to stay like that forever.

* * *
a year ago, you felt we needed to be over. looking back, i can laugh about it now but back then, it was something i really took seriously.

how ironic could this be?
it was also a saturday.

every decision i make as of the moment counts big time. i have isolated myself from friends and have consistently refused those who would like to get an 'update' about my life.

*shrug*

guess i really need time to think.